When we eventually talk she pleads with me that nothing happened.  That she did go to meet someone and she got cold feet.  That they met for dinner and went to there separate hotels. 

I'm not buying a word of it.  I'm sick to my stomach.  Who is this woman in front of me?  I don't know you.  Who the fuck are you?

She pleads with me that she loves me and me only.  That it was just some Internet fantasy of exchanging emails.  She didn't know his real name nor did he hers.  That they booked rooms in separate hotels for safety reasons and that they would meet at a restaurant for dinner with no further expectations.  Blah blah blah is what I think I heard.....all lies.  When she arrived there she thought what the fuck am I doing and just couldn't go through with it.  Blah blah blah

I here her out and demand to see the email exchanges.  She says they would only hurt me and do us no good.  She says she can prove that they did not sleep together from one of the emails.  She shows that to me.  It was from him at 830am the morning after on Thurs June 13.  Said he had a change of plans and was flying out of Seattle the next morning.  He would have to leave for Seattle today.  Asked if she wanted to go for breakfast.

I quietly take note of the email acct name and password.

I spend the night at my good friends house.  I don't really sleep.  I'm contemplating just packing up and going.  My friend suggested I make her leave as I would have custody issues if I left indefinitely.  Good Advice.

I go home the following morning and she is distant.  She tries to tell me again nothing happened.  She tells me she was stupid, selfish.  Then she has the nerve to tell me how bad a husband I was!  That she needed me so much but I never showed interest etc.  That she tried numerous times to talk to me and I never listened.  Although some of it rang true the fact remained I did not go out and have an affair, she did.

I spent a long time upset that day.  I love my wife, and I saw how much I did in this moment of weakness.  I did not want to lose her but I thought how could I be with someone that went to fuck someone else.  I was so lost.  She told me she had our son staying overnight at a friends house, that we needed to talk.  I agreed to stick around and here her out some more.

That evening she made several attempts to make love to me.  She was very enticing saying things like it has always been me, that she fucked up, that she just wanted to be wanted and on and on.  She wanted to explore sex more now that she was in her prime, she felt that she had more to offer me sexually but felt unable to talk to me about it?  She was very convincing and it did feel good to be in her arms. She promised that the emails would stop and she would never contact him again even to say she couldn't. I spent the night with her but woke up feeling dirty.

 I was still sick to my stomach and had barely eaten a thing in 2 days.  I needed to know more details.  Is she lying or telling the truth?  Instinct was in high gear and it was telling me she was lying.  I had so many questions.  So many things that needed an answer.  So many missing pieces to the puzzle.  A puzzle I had no idea what the image looked like.  Where to begin?  I seemed to be in some sort of trance the next couple days.  I barely ate.  I questioned her for every detail.  She stuck to her original story.  I secretly copied all their emails, before closing her "affair" account. Everything from their first meeting on-line to their last, there were 800+ emails over a period of 33 days.  I believe some may have been deleted and I may not have every last one but I had the majority. 

They were a married man's worst nightmare.  It tore me up to read them.  How can I ever recover from this I thought?  She could tell that I was reading them as my details of the events were very accurate.  She begged me not to read them, that there was no point, if we were going to move forward I had to delete them.  I knew she was right.  They needed to be erased.  But not until I was certain I knew every last detail of their affair.  If I thought she was lying or leaving any detail out, I could never take a step forward.  If she really, truly wanted me, I needed every last detail....everything.  I felt she owed me at least that.

Often I have felt like it rests on my shoulders this relationship.  She says all the right things.  Begs for forgiveness.  I am left to either move forward or move on.  doesn't seem fair.  But that's that.