The next morning after my wife has gone to work I dig out the new lingerie.  I go through it very carefully.  In fact go so low as to smelling it!  I feel like I've been lowered to new lows and that makes me resentful.  I discover that one pair of panties was worn.  The others were not.Makes sense as she was gone for only 1 night.  I'm furious.  I email her and tell her that I have discovered new evidence that proves she was lying about their night together.  I tell her that when she returns home she comes clean with me or I'm leaving.  I make a point as to not mention the evidence I have.

She is upset when she emails me.  She calls me shortly after and wants to know what evidence I have.  I tell her come clean with me and if she tells me everything and I mean everything that I will forgive her and try my best to move forward and she then could have the evidence I found.  Well she tells me she needs to take a leave from work.  That she is so stressed out that her work is suffering and people are beginning to notice.  She says she is coming home.  I offer to pick her up and clear my schedule for the day.

I sit anxiously waiting for the truth, knowing in my heart that it is going to hurt.  Maybe too much that I will never be able to recover.  I knew for sure that if our marriage had any hope at all I needed the truth and deserved it.  I was not being unreasonable in my quest for answers.  And as hard as it was for her it did not matter much to me.  Her selfishness got her here and she needed to deal with it.  She needed to be truthful, she needed to come clean if she wanted any chance for marital recovery.

Well I don't wait too long before I get an awful email from her.  She is defensive, unremorseful and down right mean.  To sum it up, she says she did bring him back to the room, but that nothing happened, she could not go through with it.  She explained she knows I don't believe her and that I probably want a divorce.  She would contact her lawyer and get the ball rolling.  She explains that she couldn't tell me because she knew that I would never believe her that they did not have sex, and was sure that I would leave after hearing that.

I call her and tell her I'm coming to get her.  We can't end it like this.  I need to discuss it with her in person not via email.

She agrees.  I pick her up and in the car she says that this whole on-line affair and then going to meet him was so out of ordinary.  It was all just a fantasy.  She said she felt like she was writing her own book.  That she was acting like someone else.  It meant nothing to her and when she went to meet him she thought what the fuck am I doing.  I can't do this.  That they met at a lounge and had a few drinks and just talked.  He was polite and did not put pressure on her at all.  They went back to her room.  They talked and they had another glass of wine.  She was laying on the bed and fully dressed.  He gave her a massage, lifted her shirt and bra and unbuttoned her pants.  She said she was selfish.  That she laid there with her eyes closed and her hands to her side.   But once it turned more sexual, ie. him rubbing her clit.  She shut down.  He could feel the tension and stopped.

 Hard to believe I know.

 They talked a bit more and then he left.  She felt bad, confused.  She did not know what she was doing.  She felt bad for him.  She felt she led him on with all those dirty emails pretending to be someone she was not.  That he flew from San Francisco for nothing.  That is why she emailed him "I miss you" at 1215am because she knew it was over and she was going back to her mundane life.

Good story for sure and seems to make some sense.  But still not buying it.

She tells me she has nothing more, that there is nothing else to tell, and that she will spend the rest of her life proving that to me.  They did not have sex she says.  She says she knows I think they did, but that she knows what she did and they did not!  She says why do you think he went back to his hotel if we were having sex?  Why did he not respond to the I miss you email?  And why in the morning do you think there was a change of plans that he had to leave for Seattle and fly back to San Francisco?

The rest of the day is bleak.  Still haven't eaten much and its been almost a week now.  I'm in a fog.  Still unsure if I have all the details, but somewhat willing to surrender.  I feel I can not continue like this anymore.  My brain hurts from thinking.  My mind needs to rest.  Would it not be easier just to leave.  I ponder that question all the time.  I know I love my wife, but this is hell, and I'm not sure if love is worth it.