Well we have had some good days and then there is yesterday. All I want is to be able to see and feel that she loves me as much as she says. It really isn't a lot that I'm asking. If she truly loves me as much as she proclaims, why does it seem so hard for her to do the little things? It`s the little things that mean so much, especially when we are apart. It's during our times away from eachother that I feel the most vulnerable, yet she seems indifferent. I am left feeling guilty because I want and crave a little TLC when we are apart or a simple little text of words of love, support etc during her 2 hour commute, tell me she is thinking about me etc. But that seems like to tall an order for someone who loves me soooo much. Why should I have to even discuss this? But it doesn't matter as it seems to be falling on deaf ears. Anyway I want her to do the little things on her own, I should not have to tell her.
So I have decided to not bring this up anymore. I need to refocus on myself. I can not make someone care more or feel more, that is not my place. All I have to do is just be myself. Show her how much love I have and keep showing her until such a time that she begins to show me or I leave. That is the reality here. I am not asking for too much. I know this now. I will know that if this relationship ends that I did everything possible for as long as possible. I will be ok. She has awakened me, she showed me my flaws, she reminded me what love was all about. I have changed, learned for the better. I hope she sees that and learns from this as well.
Wednesday 24 July 2013
Sunday 21 July 2013
I may never know the truth of that evening or I should say I may never believe her story of that evening. That thought alone is enough to ruin a marriage. How can you move forward if you are constantly in doubt of your wife? In disbelief of her accounts? I think that is going to be my biggest hurdle, trying to wrap my head around the story she has told me. Part of me thinks the only way to move past this is to accept what I do not want to believe. Simply put she had sex with him. Believe that as truth and forgive her. Then no more questions and no more doubts rest in my mind. The thing is I`ve tried to do that. I'm left though with the question why will she not come clean? So how important am I to her if she can not be truthful about her actions that night? Does she not want to move forward? So you can clearly see that believing the worst possible scenario does not solve the problem. How about if she is telling the truth? Then believing they had sex would be wrong and the questions about her truthfulness would also be wrong. It really is a messed up feeling.
We had a nice day together yesterday, and honestly I felt secure with her for the first time in many weeks. I want to believe her and seem to be on the brink of making that fateful leap. I know this takes time. Building trust is something that is earned not just handed out. So I know that whatever it is that keeps pulling me back from making that final leap forward will begin to fade eventually. I have faith in that. I believe she loves me and is remorseful. I believe she will continue to prove to me that I am all she needs in her life. As time moves forward I now believe that I will eventually see the truth for what it truly is and finally be able to take that fateful leap. I am 100% committed. I know there will still be days ahead that I question her faith in us, but no longer believe those days will destroy our marriage.
I think we (she is) are lucky. I know that this could have gone a lot worse than it has. It makes me feel good as a person. It helps return that confidence I had lost in myself. I know that I have handled this situation admirably. I don`t think I even raised my voice. I was able to stay calm and composed when I wanted to scream and destroy. To take time to think rationally when I wanted to toss her to the curb and leave this marriage. That alone speaks volumes to me about who I am, my sense of self. I`m a great guy, an amazing husband and an incredible Dad. I believe she is lucky to have me, that she respects me now more than she ever could have. That she would never do anything again to jeopardize her marriage. I know she believes that any indiscretion on her part in the future will see me gone, without word or discussion. That is not a line in the sand. That is a fact. She has changed me as a person. She has made me see myself in a different way. I am more confident now than I have been in my entire life. I will have no problems taking the high road if she ever does anything like this again. I will walk without discussion, my head held high and never look back, knowing that there are plenty of women who would love a man like me. But honestly I don`t believe we are going to go there. She sees me now for who I truly am. She sees for the first time in a long time how much I love her and how far and limitless I am willing to go for her.
The Past is History, the Future is a Mystery and Today is a Gift
We had a nice day together yesterday, and honestly I felt secure with her for the first time in many weeks. I want to believe her and seem to be on the brink of making that fateful leap. I know this takes time. Building trust is something that is earned not just handed out. So I know that whatever it is that keeps pulling me back from making that final leap forward will begin to fade eventually. I have faith in that. I believe she loves me and is remorseful. I believe she will continue to prove to me that I am all she needs in her life. As time moves forward I now believe that I will eventually see the truth for what it truly is and finally be able to take that fateful leap. I am 100% committed. I know there will still be days ahead that I question her faith in us, but no longer believe those days will destroy our marriage.
I think we (she is) are lucky. I know that this could have gone a lot worse than it has. It makes me feel good as a person. It helps return that confidence I had lost in myself. I know that I have handled this situation admirably. I don`t think I even raised my voice. I was able to stay calm and composed when I wanted to scream and destroy. To take time to think rationally when I wanted to toss her to the curb and leave this marriage. That alone speaks volumes to me about who I am, my sense of self. I`m a great guy, an amazing husband and an incredible Dad. I believe she is lucky to have me, that she respects me now more than she ever could have. That she would never do anything again to jeopardize her marriage. I know she believes that any indiscretion on her part in the future will see me gone, without word or discussion. That is not a line in the sand. That is a fact. She has changed me as a person. She has made me see myself in a different way. I am more confident now than I have been in my entire life. I will have no problems taking the high road if she ever does anything like this again. I will walk without discussion, my head held high and never look back, knowing that there are plenty of women who would love a man like me. But honestly I don`t believe we are going to go there. She sees me now for who I truly am. She sees for the first time in a long time how much I love her and how far and limitless I am willing to go for her.
The Past is History, the Future is a Mystery and Today is a Gift
Friday 19 July 2013
Lets get caught up here.
The first few posts sum up basically how the first week went. It was very dark most the time. That unrelenting detective work is painful. Your mind never rests. You don't eat and don't sleep much either. It really is hell. I hated it and needed to get moving forward with or without her.
I'm a real social guy, outgoing, funny, good looking and confident. But during those first 2 weeks my wife had managed to demolish me into a whimpering little girl. I hated her for that. Parts of me wanted revenge. I should seek an affair. I should push her away rather than working my ass off to meet her needs. These are the thoughts that dominate my mind especially after the fog of the first 2 weeks. But at this point I had made a decision for marital recovery, and any of those things I thought about would only ruin the marriage. I had to push forward. I wanted to focus on me. Get my confidence back, just get happy again. I have never been depressed and I knew it was something I needed to move past quickly. I hated the feeling.
Fast Forward>>>>>>
Today 5 weeks and 1 day in we have come a long way. I have forgiven her. My trust is slowly returning, but more importantly my sense of self is returning. My confidence is coming back, and the thoughts that I could not live without her have left my mind. That doesn't mean I'm leaving. It means that I no longer worry if she leaves.
I love my wife dearly. I work hard at showing her. I've become a better listener, communicator, lover, and helper. I have no problem doing any of those things. They are things I should have been doing for many years, marriage is a team effort and if one of you neglects that, the marriage suffers. In fact I believe, given the right opportunity, I would have had an affair as well. Our marriage lacked in areas and I was not happy either.
She has made an effort as well. Our sex life has been great. It was other worldly the first 2 weeks. She has stepped up and we are spending more time together, rather than living separate lives. Counseling is progressing smoothly. We both like the counselor, and that is very important. Find someone you both like.
There are days that I want to hurt her (not physically) just because she has hurt me. I push those negative thoughts away most days. I see that she continues to want to be here, she says all the right things still, so I push forward, trying to leave the past where it belongs.
There are days where I feel she is not putting in enough effort. For instance, do you think she has worn any nice lingerie for me? Not really, aside from the odd time throwing on nylons prior to sex (she knows that turns me on), I have yet to see her in any nice lingerie. I'm mainly talking about panties, you know the ones she took with her for her affair. What guy doesn't like nice panties? God I like typing that word as much as saying it lol....Panties!
She goes to bed early as well, especially during the work week. Some nights I would love to lay with her and just talk. I get that her career is very demanding and she is in charge of a lot of people and has bucket loads of responsibility. I also know my my wife has always loved her sleep. I'm a 5 hours sleep and good to go all day high energy type guy. But it worries me that she isn't putting in enough effort. I can't go back to our old ways. I will not.
Do you think she emails me or calls me through out the work day? Well honestly she does when she can, but its different. I'm her husband not some fantasy. I want to be her fantasy. Like when we first met we could not stand being apart. I want that back. I desire her and love her, I want the same in return.
Then out of the blue there is yesterday. I spent the day wondering if I really know the entire truth of that fateful June 12 evening. I haven't done that in a long time. I wonder if I will ever believe her? Part of me wishes I could have been a fly on the wall that night. How wonderful it would feel to know for certain the facts of that evening!
It was not emotionally draining yesterday, in fact I did not feel bad at all. I did feel like I wanted to distance myself from her though. Not completely sure why, probably some sort of punishment in my mind for hurting me. When she returned home I was a bit distant for sure. We tried to talk but it felt awkward. I left for a motorcycle ride. When I returned, I had a shower and jumped into bed. She wanted to make love to me and she could sense something was on my mind. I told her I loved her and that I was fine. I had Just been thinking about the affair, but I was ok and just wanted to sleep. She gave me my space.
I realize that this is counter productive in our quest for marriage recovery, but some days are going to be like that, she needs to do her best on those days to reassure me. I know I still don`t fully trust her (I can't expect to), even though I feel more confident in myself and about our situation, my insecurities are simply about whether I can ever believe her. If I can`t then I`m sure our marriage is doomed, whether I leave or she does....and that is what worries me.
I also really want to feel like she truly does care for me, that she will do anything for me. I want to believe her. I do. But at times I feel she is not doing enough. I have communicated to her. She knows what makes me happy. What else can I do.
I should not have to tell her to be more spontaneous, wear sexy lingerie, lay with me and talk (rather than playing solitaire on the ipad). Once in a while blow my mind, why not? This is the time to take our relationship to the next level or it risks sputtering and dying. I don't think she gets that.
I stay positive though. I know it has only been 5 weeks and 1 day. Plus these negative days are happening less and less. I Keep pushing forward because I love her. I will continue to until such a time comes (if it ever comes) where I can't push no more.
It's amazing how quickly your mood can change, how deep your heart can sink and how much one person can affect you.
The first few posts sum up basically how the first week went. It was very dark most the time. That unrelenting detective work is painful. Your mind never rests. You don't eat and don't sleep much either. It really is hell. I hated it and needed to get moving forward with or without her.
I'm a real social guy, outgoing, funny, good looking and confident. But during those first 2 weeks my wife had managed to demolish me into a whimpering little girl. I hated her for that. Parts of me wanted revenge. I should seek an affair. I should push her away rather than working my ass off to meet her needs. These are the thoughts that dominate my mind especially after the fog of the first 2 weeks. But at this point I had made a decision for marital recovery, and any of those things I thought about would only ruin the marriage. I had to push forward. I wanted to focus on me. Get my confidence back, just get happy again. I have never been depressed and I knew it was something I needed to move past quickly. I hated the feeling.
Fast Forward>>>>>>
Today 5 weeks and 1 day in we have come a long way. I have forgiven her. My trust is slowly returning, but more importantly my sense of self is returning. My confidence is coming back, and the thoughts that I could not live without her have left my mind. That doesn't mean I'm leaving. It means that I no longer worry if she leaves.
I love my wife dearly. I work hard at showing her. I've become a better listener, communicator, lover, and helper. I have no problem doing any of those things. They are things I should have been doing for many years, marriage is a team effort and if one of you neglects that, the marriage suffers. In fact I believe, given the right opportunity, I would have had an affair as well. Our marriage lacked in areas and I was not happy either.
She has made an effort as well. Our sex life has been great. It was other worldly the first 2 weeks. She has stepped up and we are spending more time together, rather than living separate lives. Counseling is progressing smoothly. We both like the counselor, and that is very important. Find someone you both like.
There are days that I want to hurt her (not physically) just because she has hurt me. I push those negative thoughts away most days. I see that she continues to want to be here, she says all the right things still, so I push forward, trying to leave the past where it belongs.
There are days where I feel she is not putting in enough effort. For instance, do you think she has worn any nice lingerie for me? Not really, aside from the odd time throwing on nylons prior to sex (she knows that turns me on), I have yet to see her in any nice lingerie. I'm mainly talking about panties, you know the ones she took with her for her affair. What guy doesn't like nice panties? God I like typing that word as much as saying it lol....Panties!
She goes to bed early as well, especially during the work week. Some nights I would love to lay with her and just talk. I get that her career is very demanding and she is in charge of a lot of people and has bucket loads of responsibility. I also know my my wife has always loved her sleep. I'm a 5 hours sleep and good to go all day high energy type guy. But it worries me that she isn't putting in enough effort. I can't go back to our old ways. I will not.
Do you think she emails me or calls me through out the work day? Well honestly she does when she can, but its different. I'm her husband not some fantasy. I want to be her fantasy. Like when we first met we could not stand being apart. I want that back. I desire her and love her, I want the same in return.
Then out of the blue there is yesterday. I spent the day wondering if I really know the entire truth of that fateful June 12 evening. I haven't done that in a long time. I wonder if I will ever believe her? Part of me wishes I could have been a fly on the wall that night. How wonderful it would feel to know for certain the facts of that evening!
It was not emotionally draining yesterday, in fact I did not feel bad at all. I did feel like I wanted to distance myself from her though. Not completely sure why, probably some sort of punishment in my mind for hurting me. When she returned home I was a bit distant for sure. We tried to talk but it felt awkward. I left for a motorcycle ride. When I returned, I had a shower and jumped into bed. She wanted to make love to me and she could sense something was on my mind. I told her I loved her and that I was fine. I had Just been thinking about the affair, but I was ok and just wanted to sleep. She gave me my space.
I realize that this is counter productive in our quest for marriage recovery, but some days are going to be like that, she needs to do her best on those days to reassure me. I know I still don`t fully trust her (I can't expect to), even though I feel more confident in myself and about our situation, my insecurities are simply about whether I can ever believe her. If I can`t then I`m sure our marriage is doomed, whether I leave or she does....and that is what worries me.
I also really want to feel like she truly does care for me, that she will do anything for me. I want to believe her. I do. But at times I feel she is not doing enough. I have communicated to her. She knows what makes me happy. What else can I do.
I should not have to tell her to be more spontaneous, wear sexy lingerie, lay with me and talk (rather than playing solitaire on the ipad). Once in a while blow my mind, why not? This is the time to take our relationship to the next level or it risks sputtering and dying. I don't think she gets that.
I stay positive though. I know it has only been 5 weeks and 1 day. Plus these negative days are happening less and less. I Keep pushing forward because I love her. I will continue to until such a time comes (if it ever comes) where I can't push no more.
It's amazing how quickly your mood can change, how deep your heart can sink and how much one person can affect you.
The next morning after my wife has gone to work I dig out the new lingerie. I go through it very carefully. In fact go so low as to smelling it! I feel like I've been lowered to new lows and that makes me resentful. I discover that one pair of panties was worn. The others were not.Makes sense as she was gone for only 1 night. I'm furious. I email her and tell her that I have discovered new evidence that proves she was lying about their night together. I tell her that when she returns home she comes clean with me or I'm leaving. I make a point as to not mention the evidence I have.
She is upset when she emails me. She calls me shortly after and wants to know what evidence I have. I tell her come clean with me and if she tells me everything and I mean everything that I will forgive her and try my best to move forward and she then could have the evidence I found. Well she tells me she needs to take a leave from work. That she is so stressed out that her work is suffering and people are beginning to notice. She says she is coming home. I offer to pick her up and clear my schedule for the day.
I sit anxiously waiting for the truth, knowing in my heart that it is going to hurt. Maybe too much that I will never be able to recover. I knew for sure that if our marriage had any hope at all I needed the truth and deserved it. I was not being unreasonable in my quest for answers. And as hard as it was for her it did not matter much to me. Her selfishness got her here and she needed to deal with it. She needed to be truthful, she needed to come clean if she wanted any chance for marital recovery.
Well I don't wait too long before I get an awful email from her. She is defensive, unremorseful and down right mean. To sum it up, she says she did bring him back to the room, but that nothing happened, she could not go through with it. She explained she knows I don't believe her and that I probably want a divorce. She would contact her lawyer and get the ball rolling. She explains that she couldn't tell me because she knew that I would never believe her that they did not have sex, and was sure that I would leave after hearing that.
I call her and tell her I'm coming to get her. We can't end it like this. I need to discuss it with her in person not via email.
She agrees. I pick her up and in the car she says that this whole on-line affair and then going to meet him was so out of ordinary. It was all just a fantasy. She said she felt like she was writing her own book. That she was acting like someone else. It meant nothing to her and when she went to meet him she thought what the fuck am I doing. I can't do this. That they met at a lounge and had a few drinks and just talked. He was polite and did not put pressure on her at all. They went back to her room. They talked and they had another glass of wine. She was laying on the bed and fully dressed. He gave her a massage, lifted her shirt and bra and unbuttoned her pants. She said she was selfish. That she laid there with her eyes closed and her hands to her side. But once it turned more sexual, ie. him rubbing her clit. She shut down. He could feel the tension and stopped.
Hard to believe I know.
They talked a bit more and then he left. She felt bad, confused. She did not know what she was doing. She felt bad for him. She felt she led him on with all those dirty emails pretending to be someone she was not. That he flew from San Francisco for nothing. That is why she emailed him "I miss you" at 1215am because she knew it was over and she was going back to her mundane life.
Good story for sure and seems to make some sense. But still not buying it.
She tells me she has nothing more, that there is nothing else to tell, and that she will spend the rest of her life proving that to me. They did not have sex she says. She says she knows I think they did, but that she knows what she did and they did not! She says why do you think he went back to his hotel if we were having sex? Why did he not respond to the I miss you email? And why in the morning do you think there was a change of plans that he had to leave for Seattle and fly back to San Francisco?
The rest of the day is bleak. Still haven't eaten much and its been almost a week now. I'm in a fog. Still unsure if I have all the details, but somewhat willing to surrender. I feel I can not continue like this anymore. My brain hurts from thinking. My mind needs to rest. Would it not be easier just to leave. I ponder that question all the time. I know I love my wife, but this is hell, and I'm not sure if love is worth it.
She is upset when she emails me. She calls me shortly after and wants to know what evidence I have. I tell her come clean with me and if she tells me everything and I mean everything that I will forgive her and try my best to move forward and she then could have the evidence I found. Well she tells me she needs to take a leave from work. That she is so stressed out that her work is suffering and people are beginning to notice. She says she is coming home. I offer to pick her up and clear my schedule for the day.
I sit anxiously waiting for the truth, knowing in my heart that it is going to hurt. Maybe too much that I will never be able to recover. I knew for sure that if our marriage had any hope at all I needed the truth and deserved it. I was not being unreasonable in my quest for answers. And as hard as it was for her it did not matter much to me. Her selfishness got her here and she needed to deal with it. She needed to be truthful, she needed to come clean if she wanted any chance for marital recovery.
Well I don't wait too long before I get an awful email from her. She is defensive, unremorseful and down right mean. To sum it up, she says she did bring him back to the room, but that nothing happened, she could not go through with it. She explained she knows I don't believe her and that I probably want a divorce. She would contact her lawyer and get the ball rolling. She explains that she couldn't tell me because she knew that I would never believe her that they did not have sex, and was sure that I would leave after hearing that.
I call her and tell her I'm coming to get her. We can't end it like this. I need to discuss it with her in person not via email.
She agrees. I pick her up and in the car she says that this whole on-line affair and then going to meet him was so out of ordinary. It was all just a fantasy. She said she felt like she was writing her own book. That she was acting like someone else. It meant nothing to her and when she went to meet him she thought what the fuck am I doing. I can't do this. That they met at a lounge and had a few drinks and just talked. He was polite and did not put pressure on her at all. They went back to her room. They talked and they had another glass of wine. She was laying on the bed and fully dressed. He gave her a massage, lifted her shirt and bra and unbuttoned her pants. She said she was selfish. That she laid there with her eyes closed and her hands to her side. But once it turned more sexual, ie. him rubbing her clit. She shut down. He could feel the tension and stopped.
Hard to believe I know.
They talked a bit more and then he left. She felt bad, confused. She did not know what she was doing. She felt bad for him. She felt she led him on with all those dirty emails pretending to be someone she was not. That he flew from San Francisco for nothing. That is why she emailed him "I miss you" at 1215am because she knew it was over and she was going back to her mundane life.
Good story for sure and seems to make some sense. But still not buying it.
She tells me she has nothing more, that there is nothing else to tell, and that she will spend the rest of her life proving that to me. They did not have sex she says. She says she knows I think they did, but that she knows what she did and they did not! She says why do you think he went back to his hotel if we were having sex? Why did he not respond to the I miss you email? And why in the morning do you think there was a change of plans that he had to leave for Seattle and fly back to San Francisco?
The rest of the day is bleak. Still haven't eaten much and its been almost a week now. I'm in a fog. Still unsure if I have all the details, but somewhat willing to surrender. I feel I can not continue like this anymore. My brain hurts from thinking. My mind needs to rest. Would it not be easier just to leave. I ponder that question all the time. I know I love my wife, but this is hell, and I'm not sure if love is worth it.
On Monday, day 4 after her being caught, I discover she did send one last email to this guy. It was the day after she promised no more emails, not even to say she couldn't. It said that her husband found out by fluke, that he was watching this email so please do not respond. I'm Sorry.
Well that enraged me. Sorry? She was never suppose to email him again. I'm angry...she explains she only wanted him to be clear not to email her anymore, she knew if he did that any progress between us would be lost.
What do you say to that???? I'm pissed. Trust back to negative 1000.
I send him an email of my own on Monday and it bounces right back to me "acct closed"....he has bailed. His other account as well has been closed. I wasn't surprised. In their emails he would not reveal any details about himself more than he had to, no pictures etc. He made it clear he was happily married and had no interest in ruining his marriage, what a peice of shit. I wanted to expose him. But he was off the map. Fuck I waited to long.
That night I question her more, she was still sticking to her story. Nothing happened. Couldn't go through with it. Ask her to be truthful. Our marriage depends on it. She says there is nothing more to tell. I ask her about her clothes. Did she buy or take anything new? She admits yes. She bought some new lingerie. But she never wore any of it she says. I ask to see. She has them stuffed away in a bag. At first glance everything appears unworn. Some stuff has tags on it still.
I'm angry again. She has not worn anything like that for me since before she was pregnant...10 years ago. Now she is going to where it for some random Internet stranger?
Life sucks. I'm hurt. I'm left wondering if there is any hope.
She deceives me for over a month by emailing back and forth with some strange guy she met in a forum. Then decides it's a good idea to get a Brazilian and Lie to her husband about going to meet this stranger not for just 1 night but 3? Buys new lingerie, that she doesn't wear? It all doesn't add up. I'm aware that she was gone only 1 night, but she had planned for 3. Sure he could have been a creep? But then why email him after telling me she would never again? Cold feet? Yeah right. His email the morning after clearly stated a change of plans, he was headed back to San Francisco.
Also there was this other email that fateful evening. Why email the guy at 1215 am of the affair night to say she missed him? If she truly had cold feet would she have sent that email to him after their night together was so clearly wrong? Perhaps it proves he never spent the entire night but it also proves it wasn't me she was thinking about. Cold feet? I don't think so.
Why can't she just be honest with me? Tell me how it was? I want to leave her now. But know I am in no condition to make a sane decision.
Therapist session booked for Friday, look forward to it, I'm so lost.
Well that enraged me. Sorry? She was never suppose to email him again. I'm angry...she explains she only wanted him to be clear not to email her anymore, she knew if he did that any progress between us would be lost.
What do you say to that???? I'm pissed. Trust back to negative 1000.
I send him an email of my own on Monday and it bounces right back to me "acct closed"....he has bailed. His other account as well has been closed. I wasn't surprised. In their emails he would not reveal any details about himself more than he had to, no pictures etc. He made it clear he was happily married and had no interest in ruining his marriage, what a peice of shit. I wanted to expose him. But he was off the map. Fuck I waited to long.
That night I question her more, she was still sticking to her story. Nothing happened. Couldn't go through with it. Ask her to be truthful. Our marriage depends on it. She says there is nothing more to tell. I ask her about her clothes. Did she buy or take anything new? She admits yes. She bought some new lingerie. But she never wore any of it she says. I ask to see. She has them stuffed away in a bag. At first glance everything appears unworn. Some stuff has tags on it still.
I'm angry again. She has not worn anything like that for me since before she was pregnant...10 years ago. Now she is going to where it for some random Internet stranger?
Life sucks. I'm hurt. I'm left wondering if there is any hope.
She deceives me for over a month by emailing back and forth with some strange guy she met in a forum. Then decides it's a good idea to get a Brazilian and Lie to her husband about going to meet this stranger not for just 1 night but 3? Buys new lingerie, that she doesn't wear? It all doesn't add up. I'm aware that she was gone only 1 night, but she had planned for 3. Sure he could have been a creep? But then why email him after telling me she would never again? Cold feet? Yeah right. His email the morning after clearly stated a change of plans, he was headed back to San Francisco.
Also there was this other email that fateful evening. Why email the guy at 1215 am of the affair night to say she missed him? If she truly had cold feet would she have sent that email to him after their night together was so clearly wrong? Perhaps it proves he never spent the entire night but it also proves it wasn't me she was thinking about. Cold feet? I don't think so.
Why can't she just be honest with me? Tell me how it was? I want to leave her now. But know I am in no condition to make a sane decision.
Therapist session booked for Friday, look forward to it, I'm so lost.
Thursday 18 July 2013
When we eventually talk she pleads with me that nothing happened. That she did go to meet someone and she got cold feet. That they met for dinner and went to there separate hotels.
I'm not buying a word of it. I'm sick to my stomach. Who is this woman in front of me? I don't know you. Who the fuck are you?
She pleads with me that she loves me and me only. That it was just some Internet fantasy of exchanging emails. She didn't know his real name nor did he hers. That they booked rooms in separate hotels for safety reasons and that they would meet at a restaurant for dinner with no further expectations. Blah blah blah is what I think I heard.....all lies. When she arrived there she thought what the fuck am I doing and just couldn't go through with it. Blah blah blah
I here her out and demand to see the email exchanges. She says they would only hurt me and do us no good. She says she can prove that they did not sleep together from one of the emails. She shows that to me. It was from him at 830am the morning after on Thurs June 13. Said he had a change of plans and was flying out of Seattle the next morning. He would have to leave for Seattle today. Asked if she wanted to go for breakfast.
I quietly take note of the email acct name and password.
I spend the night at my good friends house. I don't really sleep. I'm contemplating just packing up and going. My friend suggested I make her leave as I would have custody issues if I left indefinitely. Good Advice.
I go home the following morning and she is distant. She tries to tell me again nothing happened. She tells me she was stupid, selfish. Then she has the nerve to tell me how bad a husband I was! That she needed me so much but I never showed interest etc. That she tried numerous times to talk to me and I never listened. Although some of it rang true the fact remained I did not go out and have an affair, she did.
I spent a long time upset that day. I love my wife, and I saw how much I did in this moment of weakness. I did not want to lose her but I thought how could I be with someone that went to fuck someone else. I was so lost. She told me she had our son staying overnight at a friends house, that we needed to talk. I agreed to stick around and here her out some more.
That evening she made several attempts to make love to me. She was very enticing saying things like it has always been me, that she fucked up, that she just wanted to be wanted and on and on. She wanted to explore sex more now that she was in her prime, she felt that she had more to offer me sexually but felt unable to talk to me about it? She was very convincing and it did feel good to be in her arms. She promised that the emails would stop and she would never contact him again even to say she couldn't. I spent the night with her but woke up feeling dirty.
I was still sick to my stomach and had barely eaten a thing in 2 days. I needed to know more details. Is she lying or telling the truth? Instinct was in high gear and it was telling me she was lying. I had so many questions. So many things that needed an answer. So many missing pieces to the puzzle. A puzzle I had no idea what the image looked like. Where to begin? I seemed to be in some sort of trance the next couple days. I barely ate. I questioned her for every detail. She stuck to her original story. I secretly copied all their emails, before closing her "affair" account. Everything from their first meeting on-line to their last, there were 800+ emails over a period of 33 days. I believe some may have been deleted and I may not have every last one but I had the majority.
They were a married man's worst nightmare. It tore me up to read them. How can I ever recover from this I thought? She could tell that I was reading them as my details of the events were very accurate. She begged me not to read them, that there was no point, if we were going to move forward I had to delete them. I knew she was right. They needed to be erased. But not until I was certain I knew every last detail of their affair. If I thought she was lying or leaving any detail out, I could never take a step forward. If she really, truly wanted me, I needed every last detail....everything. I felt she owed me at least that.
Often I have felt like it rests on my shoulders this relationship. She says all the right things. Begs for forgiveness. I am left to either move forward or move on. doesn't seem fair. But that's that.
I'm not buying a word of it. I'm sick to my stomach. Who is this woman in front of me? I don't know you. Who the fuck are you?
She pleads with me that she loves me and me only. That it was just some Internet fantasy of exchanging emails. She didn't know his real name nor did he hers. That they booked rooms in separate hotels for safety reasons and that they would meet at a restaurant for dinner with no further expectations. Blah blah blah is what I think I heard.....all lies. When she arrived there she thought what the fuck am I doing and just couldn't go through with it. Blah blah blah
I here her out and demand to see the email exchanges. She says they would only hurt me and do us no good. She says she can prove that they did not sleep together from one of the emails. She shows that to me. It was from him at 830am the morning after on Thurs June 13. Said he had a change of plans and was flying out of Seattle the next morning. He would have to leave for Seattle today. Asked if she wanted to go for breakfast.
I quietly take note of the email acct name and password.
I spend the night at my good friends house. I don't really sleep. I'm contemplating just packing up and going. My friend suggested I make her leave as I would have custody issues if I left indefinitely. Good Advice.
I go home the following morning and she is distant. She tries to tell me again nothing happened. She tells me she was stupid, selfish. Then she has the nerve to tell me how bad a husband I was! That she needed me so much but I never showed interest etc. That she tried numerous times to talk to me and I never listened. Although some of it rang true the fact remained I did not go out and have an affair, she did.
I spent a long time upset that day. I love my wife, and I saw how much I did in this moment of weakness. I did not want to lose her but I thought how could I be with someone that went to fuck someone else. I was so lost. She told me she had our son staying overnight at a friends house, that we needed to talk. I agreed to stick around and here her out some more.
That evening she made several attempts to make love to me. She was very enticing saying things like it has always been me, that she fucked up, that she just wanted to be wanted and on and on. She wanted to explore sex more now that she was in her prime, she felt that she had more to offer me sexually but felt unable to talk to me about it? She was very convincing and it did feel good to be in her arms. She promised that the emails would stop and she would never contact him again even to say she couldn't. I spent the night with her but woke up feeling dirty.
I was still sick to my stomach and had barely eaten a thing in 2 days. I needed to know more details. Is she lying or telling the truth? Instinct was in high gear and it was telling me she was lying. I had so many questions. So many things that needed an answer. So many missing pieces to the puzzle. A puzzle I had no idea what the image looked like. Where to begin? I seemed to be in some sort of trance the next couple days. I barely ate. I questioned her for every detail. She stuck to her original story. I secretly copied all their emails, before closing her "affair" account. Everything from their first meeting on-line to their last, there were 800+ emails over a period of 33 days. I believe some may have been deleted and I may not have every last one but I had the majority.
They were a married man's worst nightmare. It tore me up to read them. How can I ever recover from this I thought? She could tell that I was reading them as my details of the events were very accurate. She begged me not to read them, that there was no point, if we were going to move forward I had to delete them. I knew she was right. They needed to be erased. But not until I was certain I knew every last detail of their affair. If I thought she was lying or leaving any detail out, I could never take a step forward. If she really, truly wanted me, I needed every last detail....everything. I felt she owed me at least that.
Often I have felt like it rests on my shoulders this relationship. She says all the right things. Begs for forgiveness. I am left to either move forward or move on. doesn't seem fair. But that's that.
This is my blog about my cheating wife and our attempt for marriage recovery.
I have been married for 13 years and have been with my wife for 16 years total. We have one 10 year old boy together. Our relationship prior to June 12 2013 was pretty good. We genuinely loved each other and rarely fought. When we did fight it was typical husband wife crap, like money, helping out around the house etc. Our sex life is crappy and has been since our son was born. She was rarely into it and I felt like she was always "taking one for the team". I wanted badly to please her but she never or rarely seemed into it.
My wife is a beautiful young women in her mid 30s. She is very attractive and successful. She works away from home so she is gone most the day, but returns in the evenings. I work from home so I take care of our son etc.
Well about mid May 2013 I noticed my usual stressed wife was more relaxed, confident and happy than usual. I welcomed this. She was buying new clothes, lost a few pounds (not that she needed to) and was just overall happy and less depressed (she has suffered mild depression since the birth of our son).
I remember I was away for 1 night in May and when I called my wife the next morning to let her know I was in route home, she was different. Instead of her usual "what time can I expect you", it was " no problem honey, no rush, take your time". I chalked that up to her new sense of happiness that I had seen in her lately. Well a few weeks go by and everything is good. our sex life hasn't gotten better, but she is happy, and I liked her this way.
On Friday night of June 7 2013 I meet her at her moms after work, she has had some wine and in a super good mood. She pulls me aside and says look hon I got a Brazilian. At first I'm taken back as she has never had that done before, but again I let the worry flutter away and chalk it up to her new found happiness. We are having a few drinks later that same evening and she tells me that she is going away for 3 nights this coming Wednesday June 12. Right away I'm filled with the sense of uh oh something is up. She does travel for work, very rarely though, and usually there is plenty of notice. I had a feeling something was off. But I still trusted my wife and she never gave me a reason to distrust her. Again I push the feelings aside.
The weekend comes and goes and I still feel uncomfortable about this situation. i throw out jokes like, only take your Granny panties on Wed. I ask very little about the "work event". She seems fine I don't sense any distress from her or anything uncomfortable. But Tuesday night comes and I'm thinking maybe ill go to bed with her (she is typically in bed early) and see if I can romance her before her trip the next morning. I get the cold shoulder.
Wednesday morning I drop her off at the commuter rail, as she was heading into work first before she left for her conference, which was suppose to be in Whistler BC ( a 2 hour drive from her office). Everything is normal. That night I'm feeling nervous, waited for her to call, she never does. 12am rolls around and I think I should call her, but thought I was being crazy that no way she would ever be having an affair and so I leave her be.
I wake up early. Thursday June 13. Check my phone, nothing from her. I send a quick text that says I missed her last night. Give me a call when she rolls out of bed. My stomach is knotted.
I remember my wife used icloud to find our sons ipad 2 weeks earlier and the thought pops into my mind. I decided to see if I could access her icloud. I was able to after a couple attempts. I tracked her phone.
The map slowly loads and instead of Whistler BC it has her pinged in a nice hotel in Bellingham, Wa!
At that exact moment my heart sank and I felt as though time stopped. It was the most horrible feeling and it still haunts me 5 weeks later. I had no doubt now that she was having an affair. That it started at least near the beginning of May 2013 when I started to notice her change. I was nervous, angry, scared.....I was a mess. I had clients in route to my place and a busy day ahead. I did not know what to do. I confided in a good friend who was horrified obviously. He asked me if I wanted to go there and confront them. I said no. I print screened the map of her location.
I sent another text this one said...
"Call me please I have something important to tell you".
Half hour later she calls me. She sounds tired (add jokes here). Its 845am. She says what is so important? I tell her that I love her and just missed her. I ask her about whistler and her evening. she says she was out for drinks with everyone and Whistler was good. Asked her what bar they were at, she lied again. I said sorry to wake her, she mentions she may be on her way home. I act surprised. She says she doesn't have to stay for the events on Friday or Sat. That she would call me when she knew what she was doing.
After we hang up I send her another text that says I had a bad dream that she was having an affair, that is why I called her so early, I apologize and tell her I hope I still make her happy. She texts back later that she does love me and that I do make her so happy....yeah right I think.
I'm left thinking she got cold feet perhaps, or it just didn't go as the cheaters had hoped? A while later she texts that she is on her way home - its 11am now. I track her phone and sure enough she is in route to the border and on her way home.
She arrives home after 1pm. I ask her how whistler was and act suspicious that she was home so early (she had planned to be gone for 3 days). She says Whistler was fine and that she wasn't feeling great so headed home. I drop a folded piece of paper in her lap and leave.
To be continued
I have been married for 13 years and have been with my wife for 16 years total. We have one 10 year old boy together. Our relationship prior to June 12 2013 was pretty good. We genuinely loved each other and rarely fought. When we did fight it was typical husband wife crap, like money, helping out around the house etc. Our sex life is crappy and has been since our son was born. She was rarely into it and I felt like she was always "taking one for the team". I wanted badly to please her but she never or rarely seemed into it.
My wife is a beautiful young women in her mid 30s. She is very attractive and successful. She works away from home so she is gone most the day, but returns in the evenings. I work from home so I take care of our son etc.
Well about mid May 2013 I noticed my usual stressed wife was more relaxed, confident and happy than usual. I welcomed this. She was buying new clothes, lost a few pounds (not that she needed to) and was just overall happy and less depressed (she has suffered mild depression since the birth of our son).
I remember I was away for 1 night in May and when I called my wife the next morning to let her know I was in route home, she was different. Instead of her usual "what time can I expect you", it was " no problem honey, no rush, take your time". I chalked that up to her new sense of happiness that I had seen in her lately. Well a few weeks go by and everything is good. our sex life hasn't gotten better, but she is happy, and I liked her this way.
On Friday night of June 7 2013 I meet her at her moms after work, she has had some wine and in a super good mood. She pulls me aside and says look hon I got a Brazilian. At first I'm taken back as she has never had that done before, but again I let the worry flutter away and chalk it up to her new found happiness. We are having a few drinks later that same evening and she tells me that she is going away for 3 nights this coming Wednesday June 12. Right away I'm filled with the sense of uh oh something is up. She does travel for work, very rarely though, and usually there is plenty of notice. I had a feeling something was off. But I still trusted my wife and she never gave me a reason to distrust her. Again I push the feelings aside.
The weekend comes and goes and I still feel uncomfortable about this situation. i throw out jokes like, only take your Granny panties on Wed. I ask very little about the "work event". She seems fine I don't sense any distress from her or anything uncomfortable. But Tuesday night comes and I'm thinking maybe ill go to bed with her (she is typically in bed early) and see if I can romance her before her trip the next morning. I get the cold shoulder.
Wednesday morning I drop her off at the commuter rail, as she was heading into work first before she left for her conference, which was suppose to be in Whistler BC ( a 2 hour drive from her office). Everything is normal. That night I'm feeling nervous, waited for her to call, she never does. 12am rolls around and I think I should call her, but thought I was being crazy that no way she would ever be having an affair and so I leave her be.
I wake up early. Thursday June 13. Check my phone, nothing from her. I send a quick text that says I missed her last night. Give me a call when she rolls out of bed. My stomach is knotted.
I remember my wife used icloud to find our sons ipad 2 weeks earlier and the thought pops into my mind. I decided to see if I could access her icloud. I was able to after a couple attempts. I tracked her phone.
The map slowly loads and instead of Whistler BC it has her pinged in a nice hotel in Bellingham, Wa!
At that exact moment my heart sank and I felt as though time stopped. It was the most horrible feeling and it still haunts me 5 weeks later. I had no doubt now that she was having an affair. That it started at least near the beginning of May 2013 when I started to notice her change. I was nervous, angry, scared.....I was a mess. I had clients in route to my place and a busy day ahead. I did not know what to do. I confided in a good friend who was horrified obviously. He asked me if I wanted to go there and confront them. I said no. I print screened the map of her location.
I sent another text this one said...
"Call me please I have something important to tell you".
Half hour later she calls me. She sounds tired (add jokes here). Its 845am. She says what is so important? I tell her that I love her and just missed her. I ask her about whistler and her evening. she says she was out for drinks with everyone and Whistler was good. Asked her what bar they were at, she lied again. I said sorry to wake her, she mentions she may be on her way home. I act surprised. She says she doesn't have to stay for the events on Friday or Sat. That she would call me when she knew what she was doing.
After we hang up I send her another text that says I had a bad dream that she was having an affair, that is why I called her so early, I apologize and tell her I hope I still make her happy. She texts back later that she does love me and that I do make her so happy....yeah right I think.
I'm left thinking she got cold feet perhaps, or it just didn't go as the cheaters had hoped? A while later she texts that she is on her way home - its 11am now. I track her phone and sure enough she is in route to the border and on her way home.
She arrives home after 1pm. I ask her how whistler was and act suspicious that she was home so early (she had planned to be gone for 3 days). She says Whistler was fine and that she wasn't feeling great so headed home. I drop a folded piece of paper in her lap and leave.
To be continued
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