Lets get caught up here.

The first few posts sum up basically how the first week went.  It was very dark most the time.  That unrelenting detective work is painful.  Your mind never rests.  You don't eat and don't sleep much either.  It really is hell.  I hated it and needed to get moving forward with or without her.

I'm a real social guy, outgoing, funny, good looking and confident.  But during those first 2 weeks my wife had managed to demolish me into a whimpering little girl.  I hated her for that.  Parts of me wanted revenge.  I should seek an affair.  I should push her away rather than working my ass off to meet her needs.  These are the thoughts that dominate my mind especially after the fog of the first 2 weeks.  But at this point I had made a decision for marital recovery, and any of those things I thought about would only ruin the marriage.  I had to push forward.  I wanted to focus on me.  Get my confidence back, just get happy again.  I have never been depressed and I knew it was something I needed to move past quickly.  I hated the feeling.

Fast Forward>>>>>> 

Today 5 weeks and 1 day in we have come a long way. I have forgiven her.  My trust is slowly returning, but more importantly my sense of self is returning.  My confidence is coming back, and the thoughts that I could not live without her have left my mind.  That doesn't mean I'm leaving.  It means that I no longer worry if she leaves.

  I love my wife dearly.  I work hard at showing her.  I've become a better listener, communicator, lover, and helper.  I have no problem doing any of those things.  They are things I should have been doing for many years, marriage is a team effort and if one of you neglects that, the marriage suffers.  In fact I believe, given the right opportunity, I would have had an affair as well. Our marriage lacked in  areas and I was not happy either.

  She has made an effort as well.  Our sex life has been great.  It was other worldly the first 2 weeks.  She has stepped up and we are spending more time together, rather than living separate lives.  Counseling is progressing smoothly.  We both like the counselor, and that is very important.  Find someone you both like.

 There are days that I want to hurt her (not physically) just because she has hurt me.  I push those negative thoughts away most days.  I see that she continues to want to be here, she says all the right things still, so I push forward, trying to leave the past where it belongs.

There are days where I feel she is not putting in enough effort.  For instance, do you think she has worn any nice lingerie for me? Not really, aside from the odd time throwing on nylons prior to sex (she knows that turns me on), I have yet to see her in any nice lingerie. I'm mainly talking about panties, you know the ones she took with her for her affair.   What guy doesn't like nice panties?  God I like typing that word as much as saying it lol....Panties!

 She goes to bed early as well, especially during the work week.  Some nights I would love to lay with her and just talk.  I get that her career is very demanding and she is in charge of a lot of people and has bucket loads of responsibility.  I also know my my wife has always loved her sleep.  I'm a 5 hours sleep and good to go all day high energy type guy.  But it worries me that she isn't putting in enough effort.  I can't go back to our old ways.  I will not.

Do you think she emails me or calls me through out the work day?  Well honestly she does when she can, but its different.  I'm her husband not some fantasy.  I want to be her fantasy.  Like when we first met we could not stand being apart.  I want that back.  I desire her and love her, I want the same in return. 

Then out of the blue there is yesterday. I spent the day wondering if I really know the entire truth of that fateful June 12 evening.  I haven't done that in a long time.  I wonder if I will ever believe her?  Part of me wishes I could have been a fly on the wall that night.  How wonderful it would feel to know for certain the facts of that evening! 

It was not emotionally draining yesterday, in fact I did not feel bad at all.  I did feel like I wanted to distance myself from her though.  Not completely sure why, probably some sort of punishment in my mind for hurting me.  When she returned home I was a bit distant for sure. We tried to talk but it felt awkward.  I left for a motorcycle ride.  When I returned, I had a shower and jumped into bed.  She wanted to make love to me and she could sense something was on my mind.  I told her I loved her and that I was fine. I had Just been thinking about the affair, but I was ok and just wanted to sleep.  She gave me my space. 

I realize that this is counter productive in our quest for marriage recovery, but some days are going to be like that, she needs to do her best on those days to reassure me.  I know I still don`t fully trust her (I can't expect to), even though I feel more confident in myself and about our situation, my insecurities are simply about whether I can ever believe her.  If I can`t then I`m sure our marriage is doomed, whether I leave or she does....and that is what worries me.

 I also really want to feel like she truly does care for me, that she will do anything for me.  I want to believe her.  I do.  But at times I feel she is not doing enough.  I have communicated to her.  She knows what makes me happy.  What else can I do.

  I should not have to tell her to be more spontaneous, wear sexy lingerie, lay with me and talk (rather than playing solitaire on the ipad).  Once in a while blow my mind,  why not?  This is the time to take our relationship to the next level or it risks sputtering and dying.  I don't think she gets that.

 I stay positive though.  I know it has only been 5 weeks and 1 day.  Plus these negative days are happening less and less. I Keep pushing forward because I love her.  I will continue to until such a time comes (if it ever comes) where I can't push no more.

It's amazing how quickly your mood can change, how deep your heart can sink and how much one person can affect you.